Jagged Edges {there's fear}

Don’t get too close. I might hurt you.

It’s not purposeful. Trust me.

I don’t want to cause you pain.

It’s just that I’m a little broken in all the wrong places.

You know, against the grain. I’m ragged— they haven’t been neat tears.

More than scars—they’re physical demarcations. Deformations.

And if you get too close my serrated edges. They will cut you.

In all the wrong places. They will more than leave scars.

You’ll be deformed. Like me.

I don’t want that for you.

Don’t get too close. I might hurt you.

{it’s ok. I can heal you}

5.7.12 The Grass of Weeping Waters

The grass of weeping waters.  It’s a meadow dark with shadows.  A place of many tears.

I’ve been here a thousand times, for herein lies my memories.
I’ve buried every one.

And I stand with the other mourners like specters in the mist.

For memories are pain, anguish and despair.  They are disappointment and failure and guilt we can’t admit.  So we hide them in the ground beneath the dirt.   We forget.

But with that pain is buried all those moments of hope and joy.  They’re intermingled.  And I’ve lost them. 

I’ve forgotten the pain.  I’ve forgotten who I am.

Judas Body

I couldn’t walk this morning when I woke up. Again.

I put my feet on the floor next to my bed and tried. But the muscles were so tight. And the pain was so severe. My dental hygienist looks at my teeth every six months. Tells me that I grind my teeth at night. Maybe I do. But I mostly grind them when I’m trying to walk. When I’m grabbing at the walls and my desk chair in a desperate attempt to keep moving. As if clenching my molars will give my legs strength.

My body has betrayed me. Again.

5.26.11-so fast

It happened so fast. It was just a game of frisbee. It wasn't even a very competitive game. And suddenly you were down, unable to bear the pain. “I broke it, didn't I?” And suddenly your whole summer was changed. “I guess I won't be practicing my left handed dribbling.” There was nothing like knowing the distant sirens were coming to take you. You could see the bone out of place. The adrenaline rush. The shock sinking in. Your groans of pain were heartbreaking. I am so sorry my dear friend. It's still surreal, it happened so fast.