Out of Season and on Trial (a double drabble ... and a half)

How do you plead, Mr. Claus?  Not guilty?  That’s unfortunate.  You may think that the lack of witnesses at the scene of the crime will save you, but I’ve got a laundry list of details that throw the content of your character into question.

First: you’re a recluse; you spend all year holed up in your workshop, building what you claim to be toys for little children who you’ve never met.  Yet, the one day you do come out, you go wandering all over the world in the dead of night so that, quote, “no one can see you,” all the while laughing your corpulent laughter.  If that’s not suspicious behavior, what is?

Second: you employ the use of reindeer to pull you great distances and at great heights without any documented rest or food.  Also, you exclusively hire little people and put them to work at unrealistically long hours, 365 days a year.  Just what kind of barbaric workplace policy are you operating under?

Third, and most horrifically: you give gifts to children based on their morality and sometimes religion.  That’s not fair, and it’s downright un-American.  Who made you the judge of what is good or bad, naughty or nice?  Such hateful prejudice! 

And we haven’t even begun to discuss the reports of home invasions through chimneys.  Once the DNA tests from those milk and cookies come back, you’re through Mr. Claus.  Don’t think that we won’t do to you exactly what we did to Mr. E. Bunni.